My Self Summary
I grew up in a loving house with three mom’s. We used to hug a lot and play games of Twister on any given week night. We moved around a lot but it seems I have erected a home in Raleigh for the last six years, and I quite like it.

My au fait wit and jocose sense of humor will leave you as baffled as my pettifogging ways. Like a slap in the face with a pink twinkie.

What I’m Doing With My Life
Currently deciding on which new blender to buy for my kitchen to support my life-long juice-fast. I’ve gone through three blenders so far.

When I’m not shopping for blenders, I can be found hanging off of rock walls for no good reason, keeling over while riding my bicycle in the middle of busy intersections, or on Xbox Live ministering hurt to the millennials. My Xbox gamertag is “CheckYoselfB4UBlendYoself68”. Feel free to drop me a message or a friend request.

I have been known to do pull-ups (see Photos section, for your viewing pleasure), but that’s only to increase my grip strength so I can stop alienating people with my dead-fish handshakes.

I’ve been trying to find a publisher for my Bernstein Bears fan-fictions that won’t freaking hang up on me. Let’s see… what else is there… thinking with my fingers here, sorry… oh, I collect used Thomas the Tank engine toys, too. Maybe you’d like to go rummage some garage sales with me sometime? I can almost guarantee that you’ll enjoy yourself.

I’m Really Good At 
Clearing a room with a single joke. Also, using words in overly-clinical fashions to disturbing effect (usually while in said jokes). For example, I’m fond of the phrase “human butt.” You might not have noticed, but you just left the room.

The First Things People Usually Notice About Me   
My eyebrows. It looks like two caterpillars are having a territorial staring match on my face.

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music and Food. 
Books:

– “The Strain of Menstruation” by Pj Callahan. – I just like the pictures.

Movies:
– “The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” – It’s like they followed me around with a camera the first time I visited Australia.
– Any Disney movie from the late 90’s or before. There’s just something about them… when I pick up the movie and look at the cover on the box, something seems to swell up inside me and makes me want to curl up on the couch and just watch the heck out of’em.
Shows:
– The Colony (an older reality show – I just like the word Colony, really – not sure why)
– Hanging with Mr. Cooper
– Saved by the Bell (I wish I was Zak, but you can call me Screech)
– To Catch a Predator (CHRIS HANSEN, YEAH BABY!)
– I thought I liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer once, but then I woke up screaming
Music:
– The Newsies Soundtrack. Or anytime Christian Bale speaks. I consider that music, too.
– Any music with large amounts of falsetto.
– Super Junior. Those girls are sooo pretty!
Food: As far as food goes, I’ll put just about anything in my mouth – Jamón, MLT, GBLT (and I do mean giant – layer that bacon on there like a lumberjack!)… I enjoy frequenting my favorite Olde English Pube for a pint of nutty bitter, too.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without  
1. I breathe easier when there is a good bistro around.
2. I always have a stud finder on me. It’s uses are endless – if I need to know where to punch a wall like a man, I’m covered. If anyone needs proof that I myself am a stud, I’m covered. If I need to make a glory hole in a moment’s notice, I’m covered. When I need to find a stud, I’m covered. Sometimes a guy gets lonely.
3. Bicycle helmets. They’re like seat belts for your head!
1. Handmade soap from Etsy.com. Nearly any scent.
5. SPFs are never far away. It is very important to me to moisten my skin as often as possible. I’m like a baby’s bottom!
1. Chest hair.

You Should Message Me If  
If you can translate this pick-up line: “¿Vive en una granja de pollos? Porque usted sabe cómo criar un gallo.” and either A) still give me a shot AND/OR B) the pick-up line works on you, or C) you’ve always wanted to have brunch with a bronie.